A few days ago, it marked a year. A year ago on a Thursday night, I had no idea the amount of feelings and days that I had yet to endure, but a year ago Thursday, I think I knew it was it. I don’t think I accepted things for what they were or for what they had been. I think I just maybe knew deep down inside what it was then. I think I knew that, I couldn’t keep going around, thinking and feeling that everything would be okay, because it wasn’t. Looking back to that night, I remember feeling not as sad as I had been before or as I was in the days and months that came after that Thursday. Also, because it might have been the end of it, but it really wasn’t. Looking back at it, I wish it had been the absolute end of it all. I’m here a year after, better and stronger to an extent. Some days are better than others. Some days I don’t even remember what it use to be like, other days I feel it very present within me. And there isn’t a single day that I don’t wonder when it won’t be a factor in my life or if one day I won’t feel that knot in my stomach, my throat closing up, or the sinking of my heart. and sadly, I think I know the answer to that, and isn’t what I want it to be. The sinking of my heart is by far the worst, because I never get used to it, no matter how many times it happens, it feels like as if it was the first time. Lastly, I am sorry, but most of all I’m sorry for myself, and my soul that will never rest. A year from today, I hope to think back to this post, and remember what it was like.